New Year’s Eve ’07 – ’08 Blog

Okay, so I’m sitting here on 31 December, ’07 and all these really silly things are rattling around in my brain:

A sort of “gas bubble” of one of my previous blogs has risen to the surface. The source of the “gastric bubble” is a blog from July of this year called “Varied and Sundry Items”, part of which was inspired by A brilliantly funny blog written by Regina – Taking on the World One Word At a Time (check out her “Vintage Christmas Story” Pts. 1, 2, and 3 … Oh, hell. Check out ALL her blogs at MySpace AND her show on Monday nights at BlogTalkRadio, see BTR home page for times. Probably 10 pm-11 but it changes sometimes.) This woman is fuh-neeeeee!

Aneeee-way! I wrote a blog that was inspired by Regina’s speculation about what would happen if she “googled” GOOGLE. She downloaded the following picture-

                                            

 and contemplated the complete destruction of the planet.

This inspired me to speculate on the existence of a “Rabbit Hole” (as in “Alice throught the Looking-Glass”) and sure enough, I rightfully concluded that, at MySpace the Rabbit Hole exists in the “Text Boxes” where you plug in your profile description, as well as the specs and downloads to “pimp” your profile. (Long story short, GO READ IT elsewhere at this site).

So anyway, since the time that Regina triggered all this “argle-bargle” (thank you, Larry Miller) I have repeatedly run into other examples of what I call “the GOOGLE phenomenon” and I will list them here:

1) Man looks up “Dictionary” in the dictionary, thus causing the universe to completely collapse in on itself.

2) (This is one inspired by a blog by Lavona “Please Stay on the Marked Trail”) Using the terms “Virgin” and “Orgasm” in the same sentence will open up a “Black Hole” (no dirty pun intended).

                

3) A caucasian family named Black, adopted a black child whose birth mother, unbeknownst to them was named White (she was black of course, I mean sheesh, I said the baby was black, didn’t I?… Pay attention, already!) 

Anyway, FEMA is still cleaning up after that one!

There are many, many other possibilities, too. For example George W. Bush stumbling in on a meeting of MENSA comes to mind. Perhaps someone dropping LSD into Dick Cheyney’s beer; the possibilities are endless. If you can add to the list, just drop a line via the comments box at the bottom of the page (I knew that thing would come in handy some day!)

Okay, so, HEY! SIT DOWN! I’M NOT FINISHED YET! Okay, so, it’s New Years Eve and I’m pretty much doing what demented guys do this time every year; I’m watching football-both pro and college but, since I’m really demented, I’m doing it the fun way, with the sound muted so I can put my own words into the players’, coaches’, referees’, and even the cheerleaders’ mouths. There are excellent opportunities for humor in doing this.

Cases in Point:

First of all, right now I have on the “Chick-Fil-A” Bowl (which is in itself an abominably hilarious example of how we have descended into crass commercialism that has made amateur sports a caricature of what it used to be). The game is being played in Atlanta between Clemson and Auburn, and, as I type this, it is in overtime.

There really isn’t anything funny about that, except to say that it is a certainty that “the Tigers will win” because both teams mascots are the tiger. But even that tired Bob Costas/John Madden gag isn’t why I’ve seized your undivided attention.

No, the reason that the Chick-Fil-A bowl is funny is because the four Auburn coaches’ assistants are flashing signs in to their players using strangely familiar moves. Wait, give me a second to wrack my brain…

Yes! That’s it! It’s been playing over and over in the back of what passes for my mind and now I’ve figured it out!

Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena
Que tu cuerpo es pa’ darle alegria y cosa buena
Dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena
Heyyyyy Macarena!

They’re doin’ the friggin’ Macarena! I swear! Every one of them, in perfect time with each other!

Second case in point:

This one happens in both the pros and the college games. I call it “The Festival of the Index Finger” where all the players on both sides of the line of scrimmage start pointing at things, and I mean at anything and as many things as they can before the ball is snapped!

So, hell, this is my first opportunity to actually insert some humor into the game by putting words into the mouths of the players:

Tight End: “Hey! (pointing) Look at that! 

Defensive End: “I can’t; I’m too busy looking at that!” (pointing).

Center: (pointing) Hey! I can see between these two guys, here.

Defensive Lineman: Yeah? (pointing) “Well your guard’s fly is open!”

Offensive guard comes out of his three-point, looks down and is called for a false start.

The whole defensive front line stands up, laughing hysterically, pointing, saying

GOTCHA!!!!!!!

Third case in point:

Peyton Manning. (You knew I was going to include him here!) Well guess what? HE GETS HIS OWN CASE IN POINT! That’s because there is actually some reason for his pointing, though nobody except for Marvin Harrison, Joseph Addai, Dallas Clark and perhaps his gardener know what it is. Also, there’s none of that “Macarena” crap! He don’ need no stinkin’ Macarena from de sideline because he gonna do it all by himself!!!

Furthermore, have you ever really paid attention to everything that goes on prior to Jeff Saturday snapping the ball to him? I actually figured it out! He’s reciting passages of Edgar Allan Poe! That’s right! If he breaks into The Raven, then it’s a slant left to Harrison! If he checks off a pass play at the line and recites The Tell-Tale Heart then it’s a handoff to Addai over tackle (right) while The Pit and the Pendulum is the same to the left.

Finally, regarding Manning, he has actually succeeded in turning physics on its head by slowing down time and space! The twenty-five second play clock actually takes about forty seconds to run down while he controls the ball! It’s frightening! When the Colts have possession of the ball, the switchboard  at the RCA Dome lights up with calls from Stanford University’s Physics Labs asking “just what the hell’s going on there? All our atomic clocks are going haywire!”

Fourth (and final) case in point:

This one usually only happens during a pro football game, probably because the college players have to use their heads to study for exams. I call it “The Helmet Achieves Escape Velocity”.

This final point concerns an event we have all seen…. That of a helmet that has met such an impact, that it is ripped from the player’s head, if he’s lucky!

Every time this happens, I know that there is at least one player who watches the helmet roll by and says to himself “I wonder if the head’s still in there.” Also, as part of my “inserting words role playing” I always wait for the player who picks it up, runs over to the helmetless player and as he hands it to him, I interject:

“Here, mister. You dwopped yaw pwitty hat!”

OK. You can go home now.

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