Nat’l. Tidiness; Trends

National and World Tidiness

While watching TV today, a commercial informed me that “Government Mortgage Loans were sweeping the nation and were becoming more popular than home equity loans . . . .”

    It wasn’t the fact that these loans were being sought by more Americans that caught my attention so much as the fact that they were “sweeping the nation”. Up to this point I was not aware that the nation needed sweeping. Usually if I see a few block – long “dust bunnies” or even a few half – mile – high piles of dust gathering in a partially – enclosed corner next to a strip mall then I readily conclude that it is time for some new trend to come along to clean them up.

 

    After all, we as a nation have a history that is, if not consistent, at least well documented with trends that come along to “tidy things up” by “sweeping the nation”. These occurrences started just after the Civil War when Abner Doubleday helped tidy things up by inventing baseball. It soon swept the nation and, before we knew it, many major cities were rendered immaculate by organizing their own baseball clubs. (Minor point: The Philadelphia National League Organization is considered the oldest, however it wasn’t very successful because the city was still filthy for years after the club’s inception).

 

    This initial clean – up was followed by the invention of the cotton gin and the telephone, the latter of which replaced the telegraph which in turn had replaced the Pony Express. The cotton gin, telephone and telegraph all did a respectable job of cleaning things up when, in their turn, they swept up most of the mess created by The Pony Express; (those ponies left quite a few droppings in the few years that the service ran).

 

    During the 1890’s, not much happened so, as a result of this inactive period, nothing came along to sweep the gathering mess created by the Spanish – American War. Teddy Roosevelt’s subsequent charge up San Juan Hill however, created a surge of nationalistic jingoism that swept the nation nicely, and before we knew it, the place was immaculate again. Soon afterwards the Wright Brothers pioneered heavier – than – air flight that swept through in a far more intense and comprehensive cleaning than Montgolfier’s attempts at lighter – than – air flight in 18th century France (but then, he was French.).

 

    Then things heated up when Edison invented the light bulb, the phonograph and motion pictures, all of which kept things neat until World War One left Europe all messed up with trenches and instruments of destruction strewn everywhere. Unfortunately, no trend came along to sweep France, Belgium or Germany; so things pretty much stayed a big mess until the Marshall Plan swept through after World War Two.

 

    Meanwhile, revolution in Russia swept that nation but didn’t really clean much of anything, probably because the bolsheviks just kept rolling the same hairball back and forth between Leningrad and Moscow for sixty years. Finally Gorbachev patiently pointed out that nothing was getting done and nobody was getting anywhere and the whole collectivist theory collapsed, which, by the way, left quite a mess to go along with the hair – ball.

 

    Then prohibition swept America but it was deceptive because it left bottles strewn everywhere until its repeal in the 30’s. Franklin D. Roosevelt’s election led to a short – lived period of cleanliness when his social programs swept the nation, allowing the WPA to turn in all the bottles for two cents each, thus leading the nation out of the depression.

 

    Then, in 1940, Hitler pointed out to the French that all the guns on the Maginot Line weren’t pointing in the right direction, thus turning the state-of-the-art emplacements into the world’s longest stretch of iron litter. This problem took nearly five years to solve and was remedied when the U.S., British, Canadians and Australians (yep, you guessed it) swept the nation after D-Day.

 

    After WW II, a frenzy of pacifism swept the world but it turned out to be too big a job because the North Koreans swept across the 38th parallel, leaving kimche jugs buried all over the place. When it was pointed out to the Americans that the jars were not land mines but rather were filled with cabbage, vegetarianism swept the nation and a new word, “vegan” was invented. This trend was extremely popular until people started passing out when iron deficiency swept the land.

 

    With the Pyongyang Armisist, peace swept Korea but really didn’t do much cleaning because all the dirt got caught in the mountainous topography, so North and South Korea had to settle for a draw. We Americans sighed and left a few hundred thousand people stationed there with brooms, dust pans and brushes to tidy up as best we could.

 

    Then Viet Nam broke out with the Gulf of Tonkin incident and lasted until the counterculture swept the nation in the late sixties, but they left a muddy mess at Bethel, New York and underground FM radio stations swept the nation with album-oriented-rock-and-roll music. Then Nixon was elected which resulted in paranoia sweeping through. Ultimately things were set right when Watergate swept Nixon out and Ford in.

 

    The upshot of all this is that, if we simply issued each citizen a broom, a dustpan and a brush and assigned them a four-by-eight foot area to be kept neat, we could dispense with waiting for some trend to come along to clean it up for us.

 

It’s a great idea! I’ll bet it sweeps the nation!