Bruised Croc

          

I have momentarily left my bathtub full of cold water where I have spent the last week trying to escape this damn heat wave. In that time a number of important, serious news stories have made the airwaves and the front pages of America and indeed, the world.
After removing my mask and snorkel (snorkle?) and rubbing cream on my prune-like skin I carefully pored over all the news items that I missed and eliminated all those that didn’t rise up to those high standards set by me for an article worthy of comment:

1. The recent AFL-CIO debates at Soldier Field in Chicago. No. It’s still too early to say who the unions will endorse for president.
2. Barry Bonds reaching and surpassing Hank Aaron’s homerun record. No. Beaten to death and still a matter of contention by the “pro-Bondites” and the anti-Bond “asteriskites”.
3. Anything that George W. Bush has done in the last week. No. (REALLY! As if!) This also extends to Dick Cheney and Karl Rove. (I’m not sure if his first name is spelled with a “C” or a “K” but he’s the closest thing America has to a nazi so I’ll go with the “K”)
4. The opening of football’s summer training camps. Definitely not. The sight and, just the THOUGHT of all those behemoths dressed in full pads in all this heat sends me over the edge and right back to my bathtub full of cold water.
5. The heat. No. But it does beg two questions that I will ask my readers and, I ask these questions with all the gravity and seriousness that they merit:

Is it air conditioned where you are at?
If you have answered “yes” to the above question; can I come live with you?

No, my loyal reader (it has yet to be proved that there is actually more than one of you); after studying all these noteworthy events, I have concluded that the story that follows is THE story of the week, perhaps of the month or even the year!

 

Crocodile falls 12 floors in escape bid

Wed Aug 8, 1:57 PM ET

MOSCOW (Reuters) – A crocodile survived a fall from the 12th floor of a block of flats in Russia after making an escape bid through a window, emergency services said on Wednesday.

Diving out of the window has become a habit for the crocodile, called Khenar, with concerned neighbours saying it was the third time he had used that method to flee, Moskovsky Komsomolets daily reported.

The crocodile lost one tooth in the latest fall but was otherwise unscathed, said a spokeswoman for the emergencies ministry in the Nizhny Novgorod region of central Russia. 

“It seems the owner was not at home when the crocodile came out of the window,” she said.

Emergency services put the crocodile in a local aquarium to recover from his fall. Within a few hours his concerned owner came to pick him up and the crocodile was last seen lying on the back seat of his owner’s car.

Now, even the most casual reader must be asking some obvious questions at this point, such as:

• What is a guy (and a RUSSIAN guy, no less) who lives in a place with such an unlikely, tongue-twisting name like Nizhny Novgorod, doing living in a 12th floor apartment? No no no, wait a second, I mean, what is he doing living in a 12th floor apartment WITH A CROCODILE?? Does the reptile pay half the rent? Is the croc his ROOMIE?
• If this is the THIRD time the animal has fallen twelve stories, doesn’t this indicate that the animal has some serious issues and may be attempting suicide?
• And if this is the THIRD time the animal has crawled out an open window and fallen twelve stories, doesn’t this point to serious STUPIDITY on the part of the guy who owns what has to be the most bad-assed watchdog in history?
• And if this is the THIRD time the animal has fallen twelve stories (I appear to be on a roll here, so bear with me), shouldn’t the “emergency ministry” have at least issued the poor crocodile a PARACHUTE after the second incident or at least have told the guy to “SHUT THE GODDAMNED WINDOW, YOU MORON !!”?
• And what about the poor slobs who live in the apartments directly underneath. What kind of thoughts passed through the minds of anyone who was unfortunate enough to witness a large lizard achieving terminal velocity out their window? The first time I’m sure at least one of them got on the phone to Pravda or the TASS news agency to report a large flying lizard. By the third time they probably called the Russian chapter of PETA.

And the last questions are raised after scrutiny of the final paragraph of the story:

“Emergency services put the crocodile in a local aquarium to recover from his fall. Within a few hours his concerned owner came to pick him up and the crocodile was last seen lying on the back seat of his owner’s car.”

1. Did the “emergency services” consider the effect that putting “Khenar” in an aquarium would have on the other creatures there? The scene probably went something like this:

“God, it’s so boring being stuck in this tank, day in, day out; where’s that stupid human with my fish flakes? I’m hungr . . .

JESUS CHRIST! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?!”

2. “Within a few hours the owner came to pick him up.” The “concerned owner” seemed to know EXACTLY where he would find his crocodile. I guess so! The emergency services number and address must be taped to his refrigerator by now.

3. Finally, when the crocodile saw that, once again he would be going home with what can only be assumed is a guy who is either extremely stupid or extremely sadistic, did the animal run into the arms of the nearest emergency worker screaming, “NO! PLEASE NO! DON’T SEND ME BACK WITH HIM!”

I’ll leave you to ponder all these weighty questions while I go back and soak in my tub. (Now where did I drop that snorkle?)